Celebrity Driving Test

Crackin' Up: The Celebrity Driving Test

Columnist Lawrence Ulrich's take on the latest rash of celebrity car crashes.
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By Lawrence Ulrich
Fear no more, celebrities. A driving test has been created for A-listers so you may one day be on the Hollywood Walk of Fame instead of the wall of shame.

They don't do their own hair or makeup. Many even let others pick out their clothes. So you'd think that celebrities would be happy to leave the driving to a professional, or at least a freeloading buddy, like steadfast Turtle on "Entourage."
In a way, I can't blame them. When you can buy cars like regular people buy socks, filling a garage with Aston Martins and Bentleys, it's hard not to take the wheel. Especially when preening comes so naturally.

But we know what happens next. The kind of celebrity smash-ups that have been a staple since James Dean's high-speed demise in his Porsche Spyder. Only today, it seems like celebrities are worse drivers than ever, unable to pull up to the valet without running over his foot.

It doesn't help that every doofus with a movie deal or rookie bonus thinks he's qualified to drive a 200-mph supercar. And unluckily for them, today's technology and tabloids are exposing every ding, dent and late-night arrest for a celeb-crazed public.

Through the magic of videotape, we've winced as actor Eddie Griffin destroyed a $675,000 Ferrari Enzo, displaying the grace and hand-eye coordination of Valerie Bertinelli playing beach volleyball. We've endured the escapades of Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, et al, in various states of intoxication and undress.

But enough is enough.

To ensure that citizens never again face the terrifying specter of a glassy-eyed Lindsay Lohan weaving toward them in a Mercedes convertible, motor vehicle departments have taken action and created a Celebrity Driving Test. The California version was leaked to me by a sympathetic and perfectly tanned clerk in the Malibu DMV office.

The test is not open to C-listers or below, so David Hasselhoff can keep on Knight Ridin'. But anyone who's Grade-A meat for the tabs and gossip rags will have to sharpen their pencils.
For now, tests will focus on key carnage zones of the Rich and Famous: Los Angeles, New York, Miami. Yet it's only a matter of time before a celebrity crack-up occurs during Sundance, or on some ranch in Montana.

The test may not improve celebrity driving. But like a velvet rope, it will separate a bona-fide star from average folks, meaning anyone who hasn't yet landed a reality series.

California Department of Motor Vehicles: Celebrity Driving Test
1. A group of shouting pedestrians crosses in front of your vehicle, carrying what appear to be cameras and tape recorders. You should:
Stop. Pedestrians have the right of way.
Stop. Hide face behind sun visor.
Stop. Remove baby from lap, place in properly secured child seat.
Speed up: "Paparazzi" is Italian for "roadkill."
2. In an automobile with a manual transmission, the "clutch" is the:
Pedal on the right
Pedal on the left
Prada bag in left hand
Bold play for sex
3. Before leaving a hot club, a safe driver must consider whether he/she is intoxicated. Based on the full range of female body weights in "the industry," match the alcoholic beverages consumed per hour [left] with the weight [right] that would cause legal intoxication, public flashing, unfortunate hairstyles, or hospitalization for "exhaustion."
Drinks per Hour
Body Weight
1
86 pounds
.1
88 pounds
.01
93 pounds
.001
95 pounds
.0001
97 pounds
4. A police officer signals you to pull over. Upon reaching the shoulder, you should:
Call publicist
Remove registration from glove compartment
Remove drugs from glove compartment, stash in underwear
Underwear?
5. To drive safely in heavy fog in the canyons, you should use:
Fog lights only
High beams
Low beams
video iPod
6. Four vehicles arrive simultaneously at red-carpeted intersection, as Officer Seacrest directs traffic. Which has the right of way to hog the camera?
Black limousine
Toyota Prius
Ferrari Enzo
Kia DiCaprio
7. Your vehicle is stopped on suspicion of drunken driving. A police officer requests a breathalyzer exam. Hoping to salvage career and reputation, you:
Remind police of large personal contributions to their salaries.
Describe noteworthy physical attributes of female officers.
Reveal existence of massive Jewish conspiracy.
Flash famous grin
All of the above
8. For each vehicle operator [left], match correct number of license suspensions [right] that will result in meaningful jail time:
Operator
# of Suspensions
Platinum blond heiress
27
Brunette check-out girl
2
Gangsta rapper
6
All-American Quarterback
xx3
True/False
9. Britney couldn't find her car's ignition with a flashlight and a search party. T/F
10. It is illegal to operate or be seen in a motor vehicle worth less than $100,000. T/F
Fill-in Section:
11. Based on DMV statistics, the average speed at which a Lamborghini will strike a lamppost is _____.
12. On average, an owner will travel _____ miles from the dealership before his new Lamborghini strikes a lamppost.
13. ____, the distance a Lamborghini owner will cover on foot, prior to apprehension for lamppost violations.
Special Section (to be completed by professional athletes ONLY):
14. In a motor vehicle with belted positions for five occupants, the correct number of handguns is ____.
15. Traveling west on Wilshire Blvd. at 35 mph, you signal for a right turn on La Cienega. Slowing for an ambulance, you proceed east on Sunset Boulevard. Checking all mirrors, you merge onto the Hollywood Freeway, exit and proceed north on Coldwater Canyon before executing a perfect parallel-park. Along the route described, there are precisely ____ strip clubs.
16. Essay Question: Why are hockey players such lousy drivers? Would they be better off driving on ice?
Extra Credit:
17. Correctly identify the worst celebrity driver in U.S. history:
James Brown
Lindsay Lohan
Sen. Edward "Ted" Kennedy
Billy Joel
Juan Pablo Montoya
Lawrence Ulrich lives in Brooklyn and writes about cars. His reviews and features appear regularly in The New York Times, Popular Science, Men's Vogue and Travel + Leisure Golf.